You may or may not have noticed that for the past week at Pistachio we’ve churned out more blogs than usual across the whole team in aid of, well you know, Valentine’s Day.

Why? Because it’s a popular time of year that we, as human beings, are forced to celebrate in order to conform to somebody else’s idea of what happiness looks like…yikes…too much for an opening gambit? Well there’s plenty more where that came from folks, so if you’re in the mood for a satirical take-down of this trashy ‘day of love’ then stay tuned, I promise I’ll make it quick and painful.

So, let’s start with a fact: I dislike Valentine’s Day, and I know I’m not the only one. So as I’m the only single gal left in the office, I’ve taken up the mantle of posting an anti-V-day blog on the very day of our most beloved St Valentine himself (more on him later).

Now as a strategic, creative agency, we like to keep our finger firmly on the pulse of all things marketing related. So we can of course admire the tenacity at which marketers have come to attack this event over the last few decades – it really is an art-form playing on people’s emotional instability, insecurities and general desire to fit in and then monetising it on a monumental scale (The UK alone generates over £1billon per year in aid of celebrating the day). So bravo to everyone making a living off of the back of a faux-important occasion, I really have no beef with you, more power to you, it’s us poor consumer fools who are to blame really – we are all the problem.

You see my main concern is for all of you lovely people, and of course myself. We’ve all seen the news recently – loneliness, anxiety and depression are on the meteoritic rise in the UK – so I just want to gently remind people about what matters and what doesn’t. And not receiving a card, flowers or a redeemable ‘massage’ voucher today does not mean that you are not valued, and it certainly does not mean that you are not loved.

Now clearly I have zero authority on giving advice on love and self-help, but what I can do is to try and make you laugh on Valentine’s Day, so that when you go home tonight you’ll remember that life is pretty-darn great for you after all:

St Valentine was bludgeoned to death…

Ah St Valentine, what an appropriate place to start when attacking this most romantic of days. There are many conflicting reports as to who exactly St Valentine was, but every story comes back to one concurrent theme – the poor bloke’s head was removed from his body in the most brutally violent of ways because he may or may not have helped people to celebrate their love and get married. So, moral of the tale is – don’t help people to celebrate their love. Just leave them to it. None of your business, nothing to see here, move on, drink some mead and save your pretty head from being detached from your body. A timeless, classic piece of advice which should serve you well this Valentine’s Day and every V-Day to come.

Only 3% of pet owners give their pet a Valentine’s…

I mean wow. Really? Human’s really do not deserve animals. 97% of you with an affectionate, adorable, unconditionally-loving pet at home do not reward them with a Valentine’s gift? To all the under-appreciated pets out there, you will have your vengeance, in this life or the next, trust me.

Valentine’s cards cause pollution…

Ok don’t quote me word for word on the above ‘fact’ but around 1 billion Valentine’s cards are exchanged every year, this makes it the second largest seasonal card sending time next to Christmas. Think of all that paper waste? THINK OF THE TREES? Basically, if you’re celebrating Valentine’s Day, well done, you’ve ruined our planet and everything in it. I hope it was worth it.

Singles Awareness Day is a thing?

Apparently, some genius (the plucky marketer strikes again) decided that to make single people feel better on Valentine’s Day they’d call it Singles Awareness Day – abbreviation SAD. That’s right, someone somewhere believed that the best way to make singletons feel better on the day of love was to label them all as SAD? SAD??? I think I need to lay down in a dark room before I punch the next marketer I see.

Chocolate is a conspiracy…

Apparently in the 1800s Physicians regularly advised their patients to eat chocolate to calm their pining for a lost love. Ermmm cheers guys? So, single people have been systemically conditioned to eat chocolate to sate every heartbreak that comes their way for over 300 years? Unbelievable. What a clever way to make begrudgingly-married, 19th century doctors feel less intimidated by tricking the fun-loving, carefree, unrestricted single population into eating sugar and fat. I see what you’re doing guys, very clever, very very clever. But guess what? #TimesUp we’re on to you…

Juliet is living her best life…

Every Valentine’s Day in Verona -where Shakespeare’s most famed and, most importantly, doomed lovers met – Juliet receives about 1,000 love letters every year. Not only is Juliet a fictional character, she’s also dead, and demonstrated very poor character choice in men. Yet here she is batting off eager lotharios left right and centre – proof that no matter how much you mess up as a young, foolish single-pringle, there are literally thousands of men out there who are ready and waiting to spam you with unsolicited conversation.

And I think that’s enough Valentine’s bashing for one day, I hope you’ve been suitably entertained and buoyed by the fact that Valentine’s Day is just another Wednesday. If you’re in love, make sure you tell them (not in a stalker way, just in a cute and supportive, non-intrusive way) and if you’re not, then please make sure that you love yourself (not in a seedy way, just in a good clean fun, you’re a really great and valued member of society kind of way). Oh, and please check out some of our other blogs this week, some have been written under duress so if you read them it might encourage our other team members to share their thoughts more often…

Thanks for reading!