No one asked, but today we’re ranking fonts.
Look, sometimes you want deep strategy, insightful commentary or practical takeaways, but this blog is not that blog. Comprendez?
So, “what’s in a font?”
Shakespeare reference? Check. Now let’s get down to business. Fonts are everything. We wish they weren’t, so we could actually think about something else occasionally, but they are. An appropriate font is the difference between a good day and a bad day, and we’re meant to think they’re a symbol of professionalism, or of style kudos. Some fonts are ridiculed by A-list celebs, and knowing which font is best for a business pays our fricking bills. So yes, fonts are everything, Anthony.
(If you can name the hot-vicar-loving show that this has been bastardised from, then drop us a little comment on our socials, you know, just for lols).
As you’ve likely already realised, this is a completely subjective, slightly unhinged, no-holds-barred vibe check of some of the most common fonts we see (and silently judge) every day. You’re welcome.
So, let’s dive straight in…
Helvetica
Vibe: Your friend’s super organised older sister who irons her bedsheets and is always the lead organiser on a girls’ trip away.
Reliable, efficient, crisp and sharp. When Helvetica shows up, you know this isn’t her first rodeo. She’s (yes, she’s a ‘she,’ obvs) prepared, punctual and has little time for mistakes or chaos – and she’s slightly smug about it.
Font rating: 8.5/10
Futura
Vibe: The friend who volunteers you for things you never agreed to, then guilt-trips you into going because “it’ll be really fun.”
A bit of a ‘pick-me’ Futura is pretty self-indulgent and loves to be noticed. Definitely has strong opinions on oat milk and will most probably try and mansplain your own content back to you.
Font rating: 5/10
Garamond
Vibe: Reads actual books (not the AI synopses) drinks red wine and subscribes to The New Yorker.
Great at general knowledge rounds and will peer over the top of his reading glasses in disgust if you mix up his serif superiority with any ChatGPT nonsense. Don’t be surprised if he asks if your work has been peer reviewed.
Font rating: 9/10
Comic Sans
Vibe: Still thinks it’s 1998 and refuses to change.
Tragic, iconic, diva. The list goes on, but Comic Sans remains. Used exclusively by unstable teachers and passive-aggressive office managers (usually in a bubblegum pink colour) this absolute queen knows how to give her audience what they want.
Font rating: A fabulous 3/10
Papyrus
Vibe: Just got back from a soul-searching gap yar to Bali.
Thinks branding is a colonial construct, owns crystals and is possibly cursed by Gothic Sans after an ill-fated late-night liaison in the woods. Popular opinion in the design studio: James Cameron should be tried in font court for Avatar.
Font rating: 2.5/10
Times New Roman
Vibe: Just trying to get the job done.
Is sick and tired of carrying the failures of all other fonts on its hardworking back. TNR didn’t ask to be here, but select him and thy written work shall be done. Default energy, safe energy, we stan TN Roman in these trying times.
Font rating: 7/10
Montserrat
Vibe: Your effortlessly cool friend who runs a side hustle and drinks Negronis.
Montserrat is a hipster of no fixed abode but can always be found working remotely from a boujie Airbnb head to toe in the latest luxe wear that hasn’t even dropped yet. Feels fresh AF, until everyone starts using it.
Font rating: 8.5/10
Lobster
Vibe: Loves a chalkboard menu and to see a boomer coming.
Often found enticing the gilet and boat shoe crowd into many a drinking establishment, Lobster works hard for the post-work £9 pint. Tbh, shoulda stayed in 2013 where pints were £4.50 and satire was respected.
Font rating: 4/10
Courier New
Vibe: Paid-up member of the Tortured Poets Society.
Laments the day we stopped using typewriters, has huge trust issues and overthinks everything. He also has a secret poetry blog and laughs in the face of your grammatically correct punctuation choices.
Font rating: 5.5/10
Arial
Vibe: Helvetica’s slightly cooler cousin who sometimes tries too hard.
Popular, pretty and always has it together, Arial is the go-to for a gold-star and a good time. Wishes she could be a bit rebellious and cursive, but she’s happy to put a smile on it and toe the line. Good for her.
Font rating: 9/10
Conclusion?
Fonts give us energy, and energy matters. At the end of the day, the font you choose is ultimately a reflection of what you’re trying to represent. So, the trick is to make sure it feels authentic for who you are, and what you’re trying to say.
If your brand is still stuck using something that feels very 2004, we need to talk.
For help finding a font and a brand style that actually matches your voice, vibe, and values, we’re here. No judgement.*