12th February 2018
by Richard Eastwood
Funny, Survival Guide, Valentine's Day
A Dads Survival Guide to Getting Through Valentine’s Day!
There’s so much fun to be had on Valentine’s Day, Netflix and Chill, lots of hugs and kisses and general feelings of love and togetherness…the added-bonus being that your beloved is thoroughly satisfied (albeit briefly) by the completely materialistic tat that you’ve foisted upon them.
This sets an idyllic a picture of V-Day bliss doesn’t it? Well hang on, don’t be fooled just yet, because as a seasoned Valentine’s veteran, I’m here to warn you that it won’t be long before you start to dread the anticipation of buying ever more expensive tat, over-priced food and babysitters… and when you’ve been at this game for as long as I have, you can also kiss goodbye to a Netflix and Chill.
So, wouldn’t it be just perfect if one brave soul put his head above the Valentine’s Day parapet and created a Dad’s Survival Guide for the big day? Well you’re in luck! Here’s my not-so-comprehensive-guide to surviving Valentine’s Day, DAD style…
Beware, some of these are only for the braver souls amongst us…you have been warned!
1. Play the whole thing down.
Play it down?!? Yes, a very important rule for me, numero uno in fact – to play the whole thing down. Why? Simple, Valentine’s is a completely nonsensical gift giving holiday which should have no bearing on your relationship status (unless you met on Valentine’s, then it’s your anniversary and that’s just tough luck I’m afraid).
Look you’re a discerning modern father are you not? So be STRONG, stick to your goal, lay the ground work from the get go and let them know that Valentine’s is a no-go in your book. You can thank me later.
2. If you HAVE to go through with celebrating the day, then make sure you set some strict ground rules for how to smash your Valentine’s like it’s 1999…
Do you have the kind of partner that would make even the bravest man shy away from a bun fight? If you dare to stand up for yourself does your life suddenly morph into a scene from ‘Fatal Attraction’? If so, I feel bad for you son, I’ve got 99 problems but I can safely say that Glenn Close with a meat cleaver ain’t one! But if you are one of the unlucky ones, then I have a few tips to help you through it;
– Drink any alcohol, literally any alcohol will do, but it is a special occasion so maybe push the boat out and get some prosecco, the ladies love it, trust me.
– Manage their expectations and set a time and a place, but don’t set the bar too high – choose somewhere ‘middle of the road’, this will then ensure that you can show off your average to poor conversational skills to greater advantage.
– Practice your dance techniques! If all else fails, be safe in the knowledge that not a soul out there can resist your hypnotic moves when you get down on the d-floor.
– Be happy about the time you spend with your partner, it helps. Even if the whole event pains you, remember that you do actually really love this person, so stay positive and this will put you in good stead for the night ahead.
3. Make sure your kids ‘buy’ her that special gift
Probably the most important part of your plan, if it’s to go smoothly, is to make sure you get the cute factor in and get your kids to present that extra special gift. This tactic is sure to guarantee you an evening of Netflix and Chill. It could even get you out of an expensive evening of wine and paying 4x the usual amount at the local eatery.
4. Get the Shed or Man Cave in-check beforehand
Another very important rule. There could be a part of the day when you need to escape (keep thinking ‘Fatal Attraction’), so make sure your man cave is tidy – an organised man cave is a peaceful one (this is not a euphemism).
5. Check the local pub opening times
This rule comes with a warning… if you can pull off disappearing to the pub then you are the Houdini of Dads and I commend your sterling efforts. The pub will never let you down, there’s always a great atmosphere and beer never tasted as good as it does when shared with other Dads savouring their brief moment of triumph –also a pub would never ever raise the price of a pint for Valentine’s Day, so let’s all raise a ‘cheers’ to that!
6. Avoid Games
Honestly, just avoid it! You know what I mean, and you might end up in hospital. If you’ve ever ended up in hospital on Valentine’s then you’ll know that it’s a sorry state of affairs.
7. Hit the Gym Hard Pre-Valentine’s
Lots of over eating happens on Valentine’s, so don’t undo all of your hard gym work by devouring all of the chocolates with no pre-planning. Plan a few solid days of hitting the gym with extra effort before the big day – a solid pre-gym routine will be the perfect equaliser for guzzling down beer, wine and anything else the day throws at you…
Hopefully, the Dad’s Valentine’s Day Survival Guide will help you out immensely. We would love to hear from you if it does! Please spread the word to help your fellow sufferers. Remember, we’re all in this together…I’ll see you down the pub ; )